Thursday, October 9, 2014
Cornburns finishes a post he started in 2011
To My Dearest Halobacter Pylori:
I hope the rapture finds you well.As I and my men are amongst those who have been "Left Behind," and I do not intend to confuse you by using the name of a popular series of so-called penny dreadfuls, nor, the motion-picture-move-soundie staring the most right honorable Ser Nicolas Cage, D.D.S, but rather to simply state that my colleague, General Philip Bartholomew Johnson Jackson Johnson, has left myself and my most beleaguered regiment, behind.
Some small fortune does find us, as Jesus is here with me. He will not, however, cease pontification, which I find most vexesome, as I would very much like to get some sleep.
Yours truly,
General Horatio Vaccinia Cornburns
I hope the rapture finds you well.As I and my men are amongst those who have been "Left Behind," and I do not intend to confuse you by using the name of a popular series of so-called penny dreadfuls, nor, the motion-picture-move-soundie staring the most right honorable Ser Nicolas Cage, D.D.S, but rather to simply state that my colleague, General Philip Bartholomew Johnson Jackson Johnson, has left myself and my most beleaguered regiment, behind.
Some small fortune does find us, as Jesus is here with me. He will not, however, cease pontification, which I find most vexesome, as I would very much like to get some sleep.
Yours truly,
General Horatio Vaccinia Cornburns
Cornburns Suffers Greatly
To my Dearest Lizakenagregabeth,
It has been twelve parsecs since last we spoke, and this day finds me in a sorry state. For it is with a heavy heart I must inform you that my heart has been transmuted into a most fetching replica of a heart forged from the finest of lead and tin. I am, consequently, most assuredly dead.
Yours,
General Horatio Algernon Clarissa Cornburns
It has been twelve parsecs since last we spoke, and this day finds me in a sorry state. For it is with a heavy heart I must inform you that my heart has been transmuted into a most fetching replica of a heart forged from the finest of lead and tin. I am, consequently, most assuredly dead.
Yours,
General Horatio Algernon Clarissa Cornburns
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Cornburns Immortalized
My dearest Liza-sue-beth,
I have been waiting in this chill ravine for what seems somewhere between one and three millennia for to receive a picture of myself. My glorious facial hair goes unrealized, and my false sepia toned countenance goes yet unseen. I can only imagine what a fright I must appear, because i have no picture on which to gaze and confirm my frightful countenance.
Tragically, the small birds and woodland creatures I have commissioned to immortalize my visage have all died of the cold and exposure, and I was forced to devour them post haste. They were delicious.
I have been waiting in this chill ravine for what seems somewhere between one and three millennia for to receive a picture of myself. My glorious facial hair goes unrealized, and my false sepia toned countenance goes yet unseen. I can only imagine what a fright I must appear, because i have no picture on which to gaze and confirm my frightful countenance.
Tragically, the small birds and woodland creatures I have commissioned to immortalize my visage have all died of the cold and exposure, and I was forced to devour them post haste. They were delicious.
Yours, in non-actualized existantuatiy,
General Horatio Cornburns
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Cornburns under siege
To my Dearest Rufina,
Today marks the four hundredth day since my brave army was first
besieged by the forces of our enemy. My stalwart men do to this day
hold out against the South South Eastern Aggressors, despite having
run out of ammunition over fifty months ago. They do persist in
keeping the enemy at bay by tossing rocks and small pebbles down upon
his or her head or heads, and thus far we remain secure in our
position.
My loyal men have long since run out of food, and have been so forced
by sad circumstance as to eat their own feet for sustenance. Some of
the braver and fatter men have moved on to their calve muscles, and
even, in some cases, the lower thigh. Braver men have never been seen
on the top of this mound of horse dung where we have made our
fortifications.
I myself have been long since reduced to a diet of extremely expensive
bourbon, and occasional mouthfuls of grass, when it is in season .
Dearest Rufalina, I fear I shall never see you, nor your hot sister, again.
With dearest combulations,
General Horatio Cornburns
[Historical note: the war ended two years before this letter was written]
Today marks the four hundredth day since my brave army was first
besieged by the forces of our enemy. My stalwart men do to this day
hold out against the South South Eastern Aggressors, despite having
run out of ammunition over fifty months ago. They do persist in
keeping the enemy at bay by tossing rocks and small pebbles down upon
his or her head or heads, and thus far we remain secure in our
position.
My loyal men have long since run out of food, and have been so forced
by sad circumstance as to eat their own feet for sustenance. Some of
the braver and fatter men have moved on to their calve muscles, and
even, in some cases, the lower thigh. Braver men have never been seen
on the top of this mound of horse dung where we have made our
fortifications.
I myself have been long since reduced to a diet of extremely expensive
bourbon, and occasional mouthfuls of grass, when it is in season .
Dearest Rufalina, I fear I shall never see you, nor your hot sister, again.
With dearest combulations,
General Horatio Cornburns
[Historical note: the war ended two years before this letter was written]
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